All About Stomachs and Feet

When I was young, just twenty-four

I well remember from that year

When I would lay flat on my back

My stomach seemed to disappear

But now that I'm fat and growing old

There is one thing that seems quite queer

When I lay flat on my back

It's my two feet that disappear

I've wondered why this came about

The only answer I've been told

Is that my feet have gotten shorter

Since I started growing old

They say, "D.B., cut down on eating"

And I am going to try it

I'd like to see my feet again

So I'll go on a diet.

D.B. Cox

I Need A Lot More Sheep

I went to bed the other night

And could not go to sleep

I tossed and turned and kicked and squirmed

And counted lots of sheep

That didn’t help a dad-burn bit

Toward putting me to sleep

But I kept right on counting

Till I ran out sheep

So then I came up with a plan

I thought was really neat

I’d count those lovely widows

That gather where we eat

Then I turned over in my bed

I started counting and couldn’t stop

I got so darned excited

I almost blew my top

I saw that wasn’t going to help

For getting me to sleep

In fact it kept me more awake

Than counting those old sheep

I don’t know just what I’ll do next

Unless I get a lot more sheep

I’d gladly trade the whole darn herd

For one real good night’s sleep.

D.B. Cox

Bundled Up to Go Out to Dine?

Thanksgiving Day has come and gone

And winter’s on the way

The weather isn’t warm no more

It’s getting colder every day

I think it comes from Canada

It’s sure a nasty breeze

When I go out to eat a meal

It whistles through my B.V.D.s

So I’ll stay home most of the time

To say warm is the thing

I’ll just stay in out of the cold

Till it warms up next spring

If you are suffering from the heat

To Cody you should come

If you go out in your bikini

I’m sure you’ll cool off some.

D.B. Cox

A Thanksgiving Thank You

The folks down at the Senior Center

Fixed us a Thanksgiving dinner

With turkey, dressing, salads and desserts

It certainly was a winner

We really do appreciate it

We thank them one and all

It was the very nicest thing

We’ve had happen this fall

November is a windy month

Some days were cloudy and some were clear

We’re entering now into December

Christmas day will soon be here

We’ll have to watch our P’s and Q’s

And be as good as we can be

So Santa Claus will not forget us

And leave us something by the tree

We hope your fondest dreams come true

And next year we’ll still all be here

We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a real Happy New Year

D.B. Cox

The Old Boy's Getting Goofier Every Day

With those old widows

I no longer mingle

But I’m having some trouble

Trying to stay single

The men all call me

A fat old tub

But I fight those widows

Off with a club

I don’t know what they see in me

I’m really not a great big brute

The only reason I can see

Is just that I’m so dog-gone cute

Of course if one of those neat chicks

With lots and lots of dough

Should say, “Come see the world with me!”

I might just up and go

D.B. Cox

Another Brain Storm

Last spring I fertilized my lawn

That made it grow from dawn to dawn

A little water helped it grow

So twice a week I had to mow

And when it rained, that helped it too

The darn grass grew and grew and grew

I tried to stunt it some last fall

So it would stay just one inch tall

A few more weeks I had to mow

And now I have to shovel snow

I hate to work, I’d rather sit

It makes me tired to think of it

When I pass on and go below

No more lawns will I have to mow

And it’s so hot down there I know

I won’t even have to shovel snow!

D.B. Cox

A Terrible Hallowe'en Scare

(This one's for Meghan the Bear.)

I had a scare on Hallowe’en

That I will not forget

It made my hair stand up on end

And I am shaking yet

The doorbell rang, I answered it

At gosh, there was a bear!

It scared me so I ran back in

And hid behind a chair

I sat behind that good ol’ chair

And shook real bad with fright

So then I peeked out from behind

And said, “Please bear, don’t bite!”

So then the bear let out a laugh

It laughed and laughed with glee

It sure did tickle that brown bear

To think how it scared me

So I gave it some Cracker Jacks

And then I went and got

My camera out and focused it

And took this bear snap shot

D.B. Cox

Phoey on House Cleaning

(This one's for Meghan.)

Spring arrived some time ago

And I’m really sad

It’s spring house cleaning time again

And that sure makes me mad

Dusting is a nasty job

But doing it is a must

It’s got to be done good to make

Room for more “canyon” dust

And then I get the vacuum

And walk a mile or two

Back and forth and forth and back

I’m glad when I get through

Doing all those household chores

Is really hard on me

I wind up with two dish pan hands

And also house maid’s knee

By the time I’m through with it

My two poor feet don’t track

I relax in my chair and say

“Oh my aching back”

When I am dead and in my grave

No more house work will I crave

And on my tombstone painted yellow

That house work killed this poor old fellow

D.B. Cox

He never will be rich becuz He's still as dumb as he ever wuz.

I didn’t do too well in school

I must have been some kind of fool

I made it through by just a crack

Came in the front and out the back

In Math they asked, “What’s X times Y”

I didn’t know and wondered why

They’d ask a thing like that of me

I even flunked “What’s 2 times 3”

The Latin teacher said, “D.B.,

Can you translate ‘Puer’ for me?”

I said, “I think that must mean glass”

That sent me to the foot of the class

In History I didn’t do real good

The teach said, “D.B., you should

“Describe Columbus to me if you can”

I didn’t even know the man

So here I am, still wondering why

They wanted to know “What’s X times Y”

D.B. Cox

(Sorry it's been so bloody long since I posted a Grandad gem! I hope to post weekly now until I have them all posted.)