Monday, April 7, 2014

The IRS and Me, Again

In honor of the upcoming April 15 tax deadline, here are several odes to taxes by Grandad. All of these opuses were written a year apart and all were entitled “The IRS and Me, Again.”

Two years ago the IRS
Relieved me of my shirt
Along with all the coin I had
And that did really hurt

Last year they cleaned me out again
I didn’t have a chance
They took what little change I had
And even took my pants

They even wanted to take more
But I said, “Won’t you please
Leave a pair of my old socks
And a pair of BVDs?”

I cried and moaned and begged so much
And put up such a howl
They finally said that I could keep
My last nice blue bath towel

T’was time to pay them once again
For Nineteen-Eighty-Five
They sure did skin me good this year
I’m lucky I’m alive

They took my socks and BVDs
They sure did treat me rude
They even took my nice bath towel
And left me in the nude

I had to leave town after dark
It was cold and it was damp
I sneaked around and finally found
A dad-burn nudist camp

I felt so out of place out there
I couldn’t even grin
I asked the guard there at the gate
If he could let me in

So when I finally got inside
I heard snickering in the crowd
They all just stood and stared at me
Some even laughed out loud

I sure did feel embarrassed
And didn’t know what to do
I’d never seen a place like this
For me t’was something new

I thought I must get out of here
I was about half froze
I sneaked down to the Welfare
And got some pre-owned clothes

I’m glad that this is over
It sure has been a mess
I think next year I’ll hid somewhere
And dodge the IRS

D.B. Cox, 1985


It’s that time of year again
When I get in a mess
By trying to find out how
I can beat the IRS

Last year they sure did clean me out
They treated me real rude
They took most everything I had
And left me in the nude

I went down to the Welfare
To get some pre-owned clothes
So they gave a pants and coat
And a pair of panty-hose

I tried to hide from the IRS
I thought I was real sly
But they sent out the CIA
Also the FBI

 Then when they found how poor I am
It sure did make them sore
The thought that I should be well fixed
And have a whole lot more

They said that they’d be good to me
And treat me fair and square
I hope I’ll have a little left
After they take out their share

If Welfare gives me some more stuff
I think that I’ll survive
So when it’s income time next year
I will still be alive

They’ve came up with a new Tax Law
That they claim is really grand
They’ve made it so darn “Simple”
That it’s hard to understand

I’ll try to study it real good
And lean it part by part
Maybe I could figure it out
If I was just half smart

I’ll bet at this time next year
I’ll be in another mess
Still trying to find out how
I can beat the IRS.

D.B. Cox, 1987


Income tax time is here again
I’ve got me in another mess
For I’m still in the same old rut
Trying to beat the IRS

They caught up with me again this year
I told them I am broke
But they just laughed right in my face
They took it as a joke

I thought I was quite a wit
Thought that I was really bright
I read my new 1040 and found
That I have just half right

The more I read the less I knew
I’ve never been that stumped before
When they were passing out the brains
I must have been behind the door

And thought I mess out on the brains
Which makes it bad for me, no doubt
There’s lots of folks that got the brains
Who cannot figure the darn thing out

I filled mine out and mailed it in
If it’s all wrong and I land in jail
I surely hope some of my friends
Will hurry up and go my bail

So I’ll just wait until next year
Knowing I’ll still be in a mess
Trying to figure out how I can
Outsmart the IRS.

D.B. Cox, 1988


It’s time to pay the Income Tax
For Nineteen-Eighty-Eight
This is the one time of the year
I really, truly hate

I thought that I would get away
And outrun the IRS
But I can’t run as fast any more
And I’m sure in a mess

They showed me how to fill it out
It wasn’t so bad you see
T’was better than it was last year
I even saved a buck or three

But now this year they’re adding more
And here’s the bottom line
They’re going to sock it to us
In Nineteen-Eighty-Nine

They think that we should earn more
And pay more tax some how
But I don’t think I’m earning
What I’m getting now

So I am sure that come next year
I’ll still be in a mess
Trying to figure how I can
Out run the IRS

D.B. Cox, 1989


It’s time to try to float a loan
To pay my Nineteen-Ninety tax
The IRS sure comes unglued
Whenever I’m a little lax

It seems that almost every year
I put it off, I must confess
I good around until I’m late
And that sure gets me in a mess

One year I couldn’t pay my tax
And they took all my clothes
It was cold and wet that year
And I just darn near froze

I sneaked down to the Welfare place
I gave them quite a shock
I walked right into their warm office
I didn’t even stop to knock

They fixed me up with some warm clothes
And sent me on my way
They were so glad to see me go
I didn’t even have to pay

Someone said to me one time
Pay your taxes with a smile
I tried that a few years ago
And they were mad for quite a while

I’m saying to the IRS
Two years ago I nearly froze
Don’t leave me in the nude this year
I think the Welfare’s out of clothes

I’ll try to pay on time next year
But if you’d like to guess
I’ll probably be a little late
And end up in another mess

D.B. Cox, 1991