The IRS and Me, Again

In honor of the upcoming April 15 tax deadline, here are several odes to taxes by Grandad. All of these opuses were written a year apart and all were entitled “The IRS and Me, Again.”

Two years ago the IRS

Relieved me of my shirt

Along with all the coin I had

And that did really hurt

Last year they cleaned me out again

I didn’t have a chance

They took what little change I had

And even took my pants

They even wanted to take more

But I said, “Won’t you please

Leave a pair of my old socks

And a pair of BVDs?”

I cried and moaned and begged so much

And put up such a howl

They finally said that I could keep

My last nice blue bath towel

T’was time to pay them once again

For Nineteen-Eighty-Five

They sure did skin me good this year

I’m lucky I’m alive

They took my socks and BVDs

They sure did treat me rude

They even took my nice bath towel

And left me in the nude

I had to leave town after dark

It was cold and it was damp

I sneaked around and finally found

A dad-burn nudist camp

I felt so out of place out there

I couldn’t even grin

I asked the guard there at the gate

If he could let me in

So when I finally got inside

I heard snickering in the crowd

They all just stood and stared at me

Some even laughed out loud

I sure did feel embarrassed

And didn’t know what to do

I’d never seen a place like this

For me t’was something new

I thought I must get out of here

I was about half froze

I sneaked down to the Welfare

And got some pre-owned clothes

I’m glad that this is over

It sure has been a mess

I think next year I’ll hid somewhere

And dodge the IRS

D.B. Cox, 1985

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s that time of year again

When I get in a mess

By trying to find out how

I can beat the IRS

Last year they sure did clean me out

They treated me real rude

They took most everything I had

And left me in the nude

I went down to the Welfare

To get some pre-owned clothes

So they gave a pants and coat

And a pair of panty-hose

I tried to hide from the IRS

I thought I was real sly

But they sent out the CIA

Also the FBI

 Then when they found how poor I am

It sure did make them sore

The thought that I should be well fixed

And have a whole lot more

They said that they’d be good to me

And treat me fair and square

I hope I’ll have a little left

After they take out their share

If Welfare gives me some more stuff

I think that I’ll survive

So when it’s income time next year

I will still be alive

They’ve came up with a new Tax Law

That they claim is really grand

They’ve made it so darn “Simple”

That it’s hard to understand

I’ll try to study it real good

And lean it part by part

Maybe I could figure it out

If I was just half smart

I’ll bet at this time next year

I’ll be in another mess

Still trying to find out how

I can beat the IRS.

D.B. Cox, 1987

~~~~~~~~~~

Income tax time is here again

I’ve got me in another mess

For I’m still in the same old rut

Trying to beat the IRS

They caught up with me again this year

I told them I am broke

But they just laughed right in my face

They took it as a joke

I thought I was quite a wit

Thought that I was really bright

I read my new 1040 and found

That I have just half right

The more I read the less I knew

I’ve never been that stumped before

When they were passing out the brains

I must have been behind the door

And thought I mess out on the brains

Which makes it bad for me, no doubt

There’s lots of folks that got the brains

Who cannot figure the darn thing out

I filled mine out and mailed it in

If it’s all wrong and I land in jail

I surely hope some of my friends

Will hurry up and go my bail

So I’ll just wait until next year

Knowing I’ll still be in a mess

Trying to figure out how I can

Outsmart the IRS.

D.B. Cox, 1988

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s time to pay the Income Tax

For Nineteen-Eighty-Eight

This is the one time of the year

I really, truly hate

I thought that I would get away

And outrun the IRS

But I can’t run as fast any more

And I’m sure in a mess

They showed me how to fill it out

It wasn’t so bad you see

T’was better than it was last year

I even saved a buck or three

But now this year they’re adding more

And here’s the bottom line

They’re going to sock it to us

In Nineteen-Eighty-Nine

They think that we should earn more

And pay more tax some how

But I don’t think I’m earning

What I’m getting now

So I am sure that come next year

I’ll still be in a mess

Trying to figure how I can

Out run the IRS

D.B. Cox, 1989

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s time to try to float a loan

To pay my Nineteen-Ninety tax

The IRS sure comes unglued

Whenever I’m a little lax

It seems that almost every year

I put it off, I must confess

I good around until I’m late

And that sure gets me in a mess

One year I couldn’t pay my tax

And they took all my clothes

It was cold and wet that year

And I just darn near froze

I sneaked down to the Welfare place

I gave them quite a shock

I walked right into their warm office

I didn’t even stop to knock

They fixed me up with some warm clothes

And sent me on my way

They were so glad to see me go

I didn’t even have to pay

Someone said to me one time

Pay your taxes with a smile

I tried that a few years ago

And they were mad for quite a while

I’m saying to the IRS

Two years ago I nearly froze

Don’t leave me in the nude this year

I think the Welfare’s out of clothes

I’ll try to pay on time next year

But if you’d like to guess

I’ll probably be a little late

And end up in another mess

D.B. Cox, 1991